A Teachable Moment This Thanksgiving

The Center Against Domestic Violence believes that violence is a learned response that can be stopped with early education.  One skill we teach students from third grade on up is how to be responsible bystanders.  A bystander is someone who is present at an event, but not involved, like a witness.  A responsible bystander knows what behavior is OK and what is not OK and is empowered to speak up or get help.  Young people armed with the tools to help their friends or acquaintances are less likely to become bullies, abusers or victims.  

This month has seen a sharp increase in conversations about bullying among the most unlikely group of people – young men between 18 and 30.  Why?  Because Miami Dolphin Offensive Tackle Jonathan Martin left the team after his teammate Richie Incognito sent him threatening texts and emails.  Exposing this behavior has made big news.  Everyone has an opinion: that a 312 pound football player should have stood up for himself; that the team should have stood up for Martin; that Incognito’s threatening was just kidding and regular locker room horseplay; that Martin should get tougher; or that Incognito should never have made threats and racial slurs.  

Martin could not have been new to locker room jests; he has been playing great football since he was a child and he was regarded as the No. 3 tackle prospect in the 2012 NFL Draft.  At Stanford he was All Pacific-10 and an All American pick who earned All-American honors.  He knew about and understood locker room hijinks – and when someone was kidding or not.

I doubt that Martin was new to racial slurs, having grown up in a world where, unlike sports, African-Americans were a distinct minority.  He was the first person in three generations of his family not to attend Harvard; he was prep school educated and majored in Classics at Stanford.  He knew about racial stereotyping and whether someone was kidding or not.

So, all that and Incognito’s shocking and obscene texts and clips that have become public knowledge aside, what can we learn from this incident, which is just being investigated by the National Football League this week?

• We can learn about the power of the bystander.  If the Dolphins had said, “Hey, cut it out, that’s not OK,” chances are Martin’s hazing would have taken on a different character. Incognito is scary, but so is a locker room full of gridiron warriors.
• We can learn about asserting ourselves.  This is not the only instance of workplace bullying, just one with immensely larger characters.  Bullying in the workplace needs to be reported before it can be stopped. 
• Finally, if you listen to all the talk about how Martin should have “manned up,” we can learn how far we have to go to eradicate gender stereotypes.  Gender stereotypes hurt us all. 

This is a supremely teachable moment.  Take time around the Thanksgiving table to ask what people think about the Incognito/Martin situation and how situations like this should be handled in sports, in the workplace, in life. 

Best wishes for a great holiday from the Center Against Domestic Violence.  We are thankful for your support.

Facebook's Role in Perpetuating Domestic Violence

With over two billion users worldwide, Facebook wields more cultural influence than most governments.  How then did it respond when activists called Facebook to task for hate speech and misogynist images?

Even though Facebook has a system for identifying and removing hate speech until early this month language and imagery that glorifies violence against women were not removed.

What made the difference?  You and I made the difference – with over 5000 emails to Facebook advertisers, more than 60,000 Twitter posts and 224,000 signatures on a Change.org petition.

In response to the public outcry against posts that said things like “Don’t wrap it and tap it – Rape it and Tape it!” fifteen advertisers pulled their support from the ubiquitous social media site.  Facebook has promised to review and update the guidelines regarding hate speech on the site, and plans to increase the accountability of users who post hateful content.

More and more, online behavior influences behavior in the real world.  The Center Against Domestic Violence is dedicated to cultivating a society free from violence and abuse.  We drive cultural change through education and intervention.  Through our Relationship Abuse Prevention Program on fifteen campuses throughout New York City, the Center teaches 27,000 teens to be pro-social online and in the real world.

Our groundbreaking programs teach young people how to identify and avoid abuse so that they can develop healthy relationships.  The Center has added new units that address online behavior to our acclaimed Speak your Peace (intermediate school) and Pride Education Equality Respect – PEER (high school) curricula.  The acceptance of violence, gender inequality, harassment, and bullying, are not new – only the venue is new.  As citizens, parents, and activists, we need to condemn violence and create positive environments in both places.

The Center’s Relationship Abuse Prevention Program is a public/private partnership that depends on your contributions and your advocacy to continue.  Relationships are Elementary, the Center’s pilot program to teach elementary school students about healthy relationships, is completely funded by your contributions.

Together we can make this a safer world for ourselves and our children.