The Most Important Gift you can Give this Holiday Season

Give to safeguard families fleeing domestic violence.   Give to free our communities of relationship abuse and bullying. Give the Gift of Safety

For more than 35 years, the Center Against Domestic Violence has been working toward a society free from violence by transforming the lives of victims and raising awareness in our communities. Thank you for helping us end domestic violence. Donate

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A Teachable Moment This Thanksgiving

The Center Against Domestic Violence believes that violence is a learned response that can be stopped with early education.  One skill we teach students from third grade on up is how to be responsible bystanders.  A bystander is someone who is present at an event, but not involved, like a witness.  A responsible bystander knows what behavior is OK and what is not OK and is empowered to speak up or get help.  Young people armed with the tools to help their friends or acquaintances are less likely to become bullies, abusers or victims.  

This month has seen a sharp increase in conversations about bullying among the most unlikely group of people – young men between 18 and 30.  Why?  Because Miami Dolphin Offensive Tackle Jonathan Martin left the team after his teammate Richie Incognito sent him threatening texts and emails.  Exposing this behavior has made big news.  Everyone has an opinion: that a 312 pound football player should have stood up for himself; that the team should have stood up for Martin; that Incognito’s threatening was just kidding and regular locker room horseplay; that Martin should get tougher; or that Incognito should never have made threats and racial slurs.  

Martin could not have been new to locker room jests; he has been playing great football since he was a child and he was regarded as the No. 3 tackle prospect in the 2012 NFL Draft.  At Stanford he was All Pacific-10 and an All American pick who earned All-American honors.  He knew about and understood locker room hijinks – and when someone was kidding or not.

I doubt that Martin was new to racial slurs, having grown up in a world where, unlike sports, African-Americans were a distinct minority.  He was the first person in three generations of his family not to attend Harvard; he was prep school educated and majored in Classics at Stanford.  He knew about racial stereotyping and whether someone was kidding or not.

So, all that and Incognito’s shocking and obscene texts and clips that have become public knowledge aside, what can we learn from this incident, which is just being investigated by the National Football League this week?

• We can learn about the power of the bystander.  If the Dolphins had said, “Hey, cut it out, that’s not OK,” chances are Martin’s hazing would have taken on a different character. Incognito is scary, but so is a locker room full of gridiron warriors.
• We can learn about asserting ourselves.  This is not the only instance of workplace bullying, just one with immensely larger characters.  Bullying in the workplace needs to be reported before it can be stopped. 
• Finally, if you listen to all the talk about how Martin should have “manned up,” we can learn how far we have to go to eradicate gender stereotypes.  Gender stereotypes hurt us all. 

This is a supremely teachable moment.  Take time around the Thanksgiving table to ask what people think about the Incognito/Martin situation and how situations like this should be handled in sports, in the workplace, in life. 

Best wishes for a great holiday from the Center Against Domestic Violence.  We are thankful for your support.

A Search for True Love

We closed Domestic Violence Awareness Month with Women’s Second Start domestic violence shelter celebrating the survivors they have served, and acknowledging staff and volunteers at a conference with former residents as the keynote speakers.  Here are some excerpts from one survivor's poem:

A Search for True Love

What is true love?

. . . Violence? Verbal Abuse? Physical and Mental Abuse? 

Having your self esteem . . . brought to nothing?

And then later on hearing the words, “Am sorry.” “I didn’t mean it.” “It won’t happen again.”

"Baby you know I love you."

Where do we find . . . true love?

. . . Our friends?  Family? Spouse?

And our abuser?

We may think that’s where true love is.

How do we find . . . true love?

. . . By first sitting down and evaluating ourselves.

Then we can stand strong and say, “I’m beautiful and I deserve better for myself.”

A Breakfast Conversation with Emily Bazelon

Thank you to everyone who attended and supported our Fall Breakfast 2013. Your contributions support the Center’s life changing work. It was a great morning and we hope to see you again soon! 

Missed the Breakfast?

Listen to the audio recording here.

Click here for more pictures.

Special Thanks

Emily Bazelon, author of Sticks and Stones and senior editor at Slate, for engaging us with her important research and conclusions;

Dr. Liz Lasky, Relationship Abuse Prevention Program (RAPP) Coordinator for the Center, for leading the poignant disussion;

Devon Arnold, RAPP Peer Leader, for bravely sharing his story about how RAPP helped him overcome years of bullying;

Andrea Cruz and Amber Perez, RAPP Graduates and Stuckey Scholarship Winners, for inspiring the entire room.

Shine the Light on Domestic Violence

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.The Center Against Domestic Violence was once again a sponsor of Manhattan Borough President Scott Stringer’s impressive October 7 rally and light show, Shine the Light on Domestic Violence.

Times Square is sometimes called the crossroads of the world; what better place to light up some of the largest and brightest digital screens to bring awareness to domestic violence?

By turning landmarks around the city and state purple, Shine the Light on Domestic Violence, a statewide public awareness campaign, sparks discussion about this devastating problem that threatens the safety of too many New Yorkers.

Center staff, volunteers, and adult and teen participants stood shoulder to shoulder with other advocates as giant electronic billboards turned purple with messages of hope.  American Eagle, the Disney Store, the ABC Super Sign and many more told viewers about domestic violence, its impact and how to get help. Commissioner Yolanda Jimenez, the head of the NYC Office to Combat Domestic Violence, and playwright Eve Ensler spoke.

Click here for more photos.

Happy Anniversary, VAWA!

Vice President Joe Biden touted the success of the reauthorized Violence Against Women Act at an event celebrating its 19th anniversary on Thursday.

Biden said it's been "absolutely fascinating to see the ripple effect of this little old act we passed 19 years ago," to supporters, saying he's had the privilege of seeing the impact VAWA has had on other nations during his travels as vice president.